It can be hard to see someone who is suffering depression, especially if they're a close friend or family member. You can feel anxious from wanting to help, not knowing what will help, what won't, or not knowing if the help will even be welcomed. So I thought I might list a few things that might help lessen the anxiety.
1) Don't ask if they're okay. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but bear with me here. I know that when I'm in the middle of a depressive spiral, if someone asks me if I'm okay, my answer is usually 'I'm fine.' It's a programmed response. Mostly because I don't want to be seen as 'emo' or melodramatic or a problem or a burden. It's been my experience that a lot of people tend to ask if I'm okay out of a sense of obligation, rather than out of any genuine concern for my feelings. Which in return makes me feel obligated to 'be okay' when I'm really not. Which isn't helpful.
Instead, try asking 'what do you need?' This comes across as more sincere. It shows you're willing to DO something and you're not just paying lip service. You're also likely to get a more genuine response. And please, respect what they need. If they say they need to be alone, then they probably do and they're not just saying that to be offensive or because they're mad at you. Some people do genuinely need to be alone to work through their feelings.
2) Include them. Making plans to see a movie? Organizing a group outing to get coffees and chat? Send them a text, give them a call. Show them that you still want their company, that you enjoy having them around. Nothing can be more healing for someone with depression than seeing a message from their friends asking them to join them for something fun.
3) Don't be afraid to ask them about it. If you've noticed that they're not themselves, ask if they're feeling depressed. Maybe they haven't realized it themselves yet or maybe they just need to talk to start the healing process. Either way, be there and listen. Trust me, this is one of the biggest things. Talking about it to someone who cares can help put it into perspective, help us begin to cope.
4) Understand and accept that there is nothing you can do to truly 'fix' them. Depression is a very complex illness and can vary greatly from person to person. Medication and therapy can help make us functional, but there are still going to be bad days. And often it can creep up on us and pounce when we least expect it, which is why we can seem to have violent mood swings. And that's probably what's happened when we suddenly cancel plans. So it's nothing personal, it's just that we've been wrestling with the demons and it's just left us exhausted.
5) Just be there! I cannot stress this enough. Depression is cunning. It has a way of worming into our heads and convincing us that we're not worth anything, that we're never going to achieve anything, that we're not worth loving. So the best thing you can do is show us that it's wrong. Keep coming around, keep dishing out the hugs, keep reassuring us that we're still wanted. It may make us seem needy, but what's a few words when they make the difference between giving into that sly voice in our heads or beating it back for another day.
Hopefully some of these suggestions can help you help someone who needs it. If you have any other ideas for what's helpful, feel free to suggest them in the comments section.
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