The curious thing about depression:

Depression is a funny thing.  And I don't mean that as in funny 'ha ha' I mean as in strange.  It's strange because sometimes it's as though it's wandered off or gotten lost.  Or maybe taken a vacation.  And suddenly you don't feel as heavy.  You have more energy, your motivation returns and you almost begin to remember what it's like to feel like a normal human being.

Today my depression went on vacation temporarily.  I got housework done, I showered and even got dressed despite not having any plans to set foot outside the house.  Which for me is a major achievement because there are days when I am lucky to make it to the fully dressed stage.

I played with my daughter, had a lot of fun and laughs.  And I actually felt happy.  For the first time in what feels like months.

Unfortunately, vacations aren't permanent.  No matter what you do to try and bar the doors, change the locks so it can't return, depression is sneaky.  It has a master key and always manages to get the door open a crack, which is all it needs, ready to lie in wait and pounce at the slightest trigger.

And sometimes you can see a trigger coming.  Which allows you to brace for it, prepare yourself to be dragged back down into the darkness and therefore it's more of a gradual slide.  But sometimes the trigger sneaks up on you, seizing you by the throat and then hurling you suddenly back down into the pit, leaving you feeling more than a little breathless and banged up as you look around at the walls of the pit and wonder just how the hell you got there.

Tonight it caught me unawares.  I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook and came across an updated profile picture of an old friend from high school.  And while I was happy to see her looking so well, it was also a painful reminder that at one point in our lives, she, myself and P were thick as thieves.  Which of course led me to thinking about P and wondering how she's doing.

Suddenly I was back in the pit and I never saw it coming.  Feeling sad and angry and a little raw inside.  All because of one profile pic.

To be fair, there's been a fair bit going on lately, between appointments for my daughter with eye specialists (she has a slight astigmatism that they're monitoring), family drama and a nasty cold strain that's hit me pretty damn hard, I guess my defenses are a little low.  Leaving me open to these little gut-shots from grief.

I don't know if I'll ever get used to those.  There is this irrational part of me that wants to run through the house and remove everything she ever gave me.  Destroy it, burn it, do something defiant and final.

But there were good times.  Even if remembering those is painful, even if the way things ended has cast a pall over them, I need to remember that there were some good times.  And though she may have discarded them and me, at least I know they meant something to me.  That even though she doesn't like who I've become, those memories, those times we shared were pivotal in making me who I am.  Which is why I can't throw them away.

Maybe I'll put them in a box and tuck them away on a shelf.  And one day, when I've gotten to the point where it doesn't hurt as much to think about her, maybe then I can open the box and find that the hurt and anger have evaporated and that only the joy and happiness remains.

Until then, I continue to try and take things, as always, one day at a time.

Helping with depression.

It can be hard to see someone who is suffering depression, especially if they're a close friend or family member.  You can feel anxious from wanting to help, not knowing what will help, what won't, or not knowing if the help will even be welcomed.  So I thought I might list a few things that might help lessen the anxiety.

1) Don't ask if they're okay.  I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but bear with me here.  I know that when I'm in the middle of a depressive spiral, if someone asks me if I'm okay, my answer is usually 'I'm fine.'  It's a programmed response.  Mostly because I don't want to be seen as 'emo' or melodramatic or a problem or a burden.  It's been my experience that a lot of people tend to ask if I'm okay out of a sense of obligation, rather than out of any genuine concern for my feelings.  Which in return makes me feel obligated to 'be okay' when I'm really not.  Which isn't helpful.

Instead, try asking 'what do you need?'  This comes across as more sincere.  It shows you're willing to DO something and you're not just paying lip service.  You're also likely to get a more genuine response.  And please, respect what they need.  If they say they need to be alone, then they probably do and they're not just saying that to be offensive or because they're mad at you.  Some people do genuinely need to be alone to work through their feelings.

2) Include them.  Making plans to see a movie? Organizing a group outing to get coffees and chat? Send them a text, give them a call.  Show them that you still want their company, that you enjoy having them around.  Nothing can be more healing for someone with depression than seeing a message from their friends asking them to join them for something fun.

3) Don't be afraid to ask them about it.  If you've noticed that they're not themselves, ask if they're feeling depressed.  Maybe they haven't realized it themselves yet or maybe they just need to talk to start the healing process.  Either way, be there and listen.  Trust me, this is one of the biggest things.  Talking about it to someone who cares can help put it into perspective, help us begin to cope.

4) Understand and accept that there is nothing you can do to truly 'fix' them.  Depression is a very complex illness and can vary greatly from person to person.  Medication and therapy can help make us functional, but there are still going to be bad days.  And often it can creep up on us and pounce when we least expect it, which is why we can seem to have violent mood swings.  And that's probably what's happened when we suddenly cancel plans.  So it's nothing personal, it's just that we've been wrestling with the demons and it's just left us exhausted.

5) Just be there! I cannot stress this enough.  Depression is cunning.  It has a way of worming into our heads and convincing us that we're not worth anything, that we're never going to achieve anything, that we're not worth loving.  So the best thing you can do is show us that it's wrong.  Keep coming around, keep dishing out the hugs, keep reassuring us that we're still wanted.  It may make us seem needy, but what's a few words when they make the difference between giving into that sly voice in our heads or beating it back for another day.

Hopefully some of these suggestions can help you help someone who needs it.  If you have any other ideas for what's helpful, feel free to suggest them in the comments section.